Love Pain Hate Self
by K-promises-fall
Summary: Just a dark version of Hinata's life at home that kept bothering me. Real summery inside. Check it out and review afterwards. WARNING: Rated for rape. Oneshot


**Love Pain; Hate Self**

By: K-promises-fall

Summary: Behind the scenes of the Hyuuga household. The true personality of Hinata when her mask is off; what she really strives for, and just how sick and twisted her life has become. Rated for rape (not in full detail… thankfully). R&R. Oneshot.

**Disclaimer: Was looking this over and noticed it was missing this. So, I don't own Naruto. At All. In any way imaginable.**

OOO

Soft footsteps; barely noticeable to the trained ear; more than likely not noticed unless the person had a hearing enhancement like the Inuzukas. Somehow though, no matter how quietly she walked down the polished hall of the Hyuuga Mansion, _he_ always heard her. It was not that she cared if he did- she had stopped being afraid a long time ago; stopped screaming, stopped hating the pain. In fact she loved it now. It fascinated her, and she made it her goal to never feel it again.

So if she was not afraid, why did she walk so damn quietly? Was it habit? No; she just loved the challenge. Trying to always get past him, it was fun. She would always get caught and he would inflict pain on her, but she didn't care anymore; the pain was merely a tickling sensation. His evil laugh drowned out while she concentrated on finding pain. The slightest pain had to be analyzed so she could figure out the source; find the nerve in her body that made her feel pain and stop it. Let it get so used to pain that it would be non-existent.

She was nearing his room she realized. Slowing her pace she watched her feet intensely, daring a sound to be made. Bare feet touched cold wooden floor; the shiny polished wooden floor. It was polished everyday, spotless every time; no speck of dirt to be found. She hated it. It was over cleanliness; so clean she could see her own damned reflection. She would always end up staring at herself, hating herself.

Cold eyes void of emotion, hideous jacket, same forsaken short hair; all of it. Her true self seemed to be easily shown by the alternative to your everyday mirror. Damn floor. Crappy reflection, always showing her the jacket. Neji had gotten it for her. Yes; that cocky, insensitive, son-of-a-bitch, bastard had actually gotten her a gift. It was when she was four. The beatings had just started then, and she had not been kidnapped by cloud ninjas yet. She still had hopeful, kind smiles. She was still the sunshine in the dreary Hyuuga household, just like her name said. Neji had felt sorry for her and bought her a jacket to hide the bruises and scars. It wasn't the exact one she was wearing now, but it was a jacket nonetheless. The day before the kidnapping he got her another gift. It was another jacket. One big enough for when she grew older; the same crappy jacket she now wore.

I know what you are thinking. If she hates it so much why wear it? To hide the marks of course. The various scars and purple, blue and black spots that adorned her once flawless skin. She used to hope someone would find out about her daily abuse, but over the years she hid it more and more. She didn't want them to find out. She enjoyed the pain. It was her only way of knowing she was real; of knowing that she had a purpose. If they found out they would take it away and as sick and stupid as it sounds she would never let them stop his abuse. So she wore the damn jacket.

Then there were the days when he left for a meeting. The pain would stop for a while and one would think that she would be overjoyed. Wrong; she could not have it stopping at all. There was always the risk of her body becoming used to the painless nights and she wanted to be immune to the pain which she loved. That would only happen with being in constant pain. So she inflicts the pain herself. Not as much as when he did it, but pain none the less. Small cuts; just enough to draw blood. Beautiful, crimson, blood. It amazed her. The edge of the kunai she had used dripping with it. She would sit there and stare at it as it left her and as all the pain left with it, and by the next day it would be gone. Nothing but a scar left behind.

She looked up from the floor, away from herself. That was when she realized it. She had passed his room, but he did not call her in. She stopped and walked back, towards his door. No longer did she try to hide the sound of her already soft footsteps. She should not want this, she should be happy that she had gotten past him, but she wants pain; she strived for it. In fact she even wished for a painful death. That way she could be with pain until she dies. She knows that as long as she feels pain she is real, and if she doesn't she has achieved her goal.

She opened the door enough to just peak through. It was dark as always, but that did not mater, she was used to it. The pale lifeless colours of his room were what she saw, and the smell of cleaning detergent met her nose. It was deadly quiet and empty. Where was he? He would never just leave without threatening her to keep quiet about their sessions and she was sure that he had not mentioned anything about a meeting. What if people found out? She scowled at this. If they did, whichever person it was would pay for ruining it. She opened the door more and stepped inside, no longer cautious. A low, menacing chuckle greeted her. His own no doubt, for it was drenched with the promise of pain. Not waiting for an order she locked the door.

He calmly walked up to her, making no sound as he gracefully strided towards her. When he stopped she had to look up, her father was obviously taller than her. The small smirk he had on had faded into his emotionless mask and he begun to slowly raise his hand. Hinata closed her eyes, preparing for the slap that seemed to always start her physical abuse. Already she wandered how he would insult and degrade her this time. Instead however, his course hand gently caressed her cheek as he bent down so he was eye level with her. Her eyes snapped open to stare into his. They were full of mock amusement. "You know, daughter," he moved closer so his lips were near her ear, his hot breath sending fearful shivers down her spine, "you are not much fun anymore…

"You seem to be getting too used to these meeting of ours, so much that you come willingly." He paused moving even closer so that when he licked his lips his tongue brushed slightly against her ear, making Hinata get thrown into a sense of panic. He never did this. "So, I'm going to introduce you to a whole new kind of pain. One that that will fortunately please me… and cause you to cower in fear. Why? Because it is human nature to fear it. You cannot escape this pain _Hinata_, and I'll enjoy every minute of it."

He pulled away and crashed his lips unto hers in a harsh dominating kiss. Hinata gasped and quickly pushed herself away from him, finally realizing what he intended to do. She grabbed the handle of the door only to be pulled back by her jacket, turned and slammed against it. She was afraid. It had been so long, but she was afraid of the pain again and she felt the burning pain in her cheek as he backhanded her, causing her to accidentally bite her tongue and making her mouth fill with copper tasting blood. His cold ruff hands found itself around her throat, keeping her firmly against the door and unable to run away. His other hand entangled itself in her hair and kept her head in place as his lips crashed into hers again.

Tears started to form in her eyes as he forced his tongue into her mouth and she realized that he fully intended to rape her; his own daughter, as he only had on his sweatpants. He pulled away from her licking away her blood from his lips and threw her onto his bed. Quickly discarding his sweatpants he pinned her to the bed as he fiercely kissed her again and let his hand roam freely under her shirt and snaked its way inside her pants trying to arouse her against her will. It was not long before her clothes lay on the floor and she was crying freely and trying to scream for help between gasps of pain and helpless pleasure.

She lost her virginity that night. The one thing she was reserving for a certain blond haired male and all the pain she worked so hard to overcome came back at her tenfold. She had run away from him as soon as she could but that, of course, was not until after he took her.

She was in her room now, curled up in a ball in the shadows trying to hide from him though he was not there. He had laughed when she ran and she could still hear him laughing even though she knew he had long since stopped. Her hands were placed firmly over her ears, pulling strand of her hair out from their roots, trying to block out his laugh though it was pointless because it was in her head. Everything just kept replaying in her mind's eye. How wide his insane grin was as he took her forcibly for his, how his cold hands felt as they made her shiver in complete ecstasy and fear, how she screamed when he broke through her barriers and when she heard the rushing footsteps of someone outside the door leave as they ignore her pleas and left her in the arms of the devil that was her father. Things such as these and they wouldn't stop. She even heard herself screaming and begging for him to stop, for someone to help her. It made her want to tear her own ears off.

She hurriedly scrambled toward her bed and reached under it pulling out the kunai she hid under it and crawling back into the shadows. She slashed at her arms and legs with it again and again, only relieved when she felt the warm blood flowing freely from her wounds. Finally calmed down enough to think straight she stopped and threw it away, not caring where it landed. She knew he was satisfied with how she reacted and that he would do it again and again to know that she feared him. He would never stop. Then she remembered her promise to herself, _"I'll keep feeling pain until I can't feel it anymore, and when I succeed, I'll find more pain and get used to that too." _A pretty stupid promise actually, but she won't break it. What wade her feel pain? It was her feelings… her emotions. So she would kill it. Then that pain will soon be a mere tickling sensation as the one before. She smiled to herself. A dead smile with no humour or happiness in it; a smile bordering on insanity. She had only one thought on her mind as she fell unconscious. An apology… to the one she loved.

To reach her goal, she would never be able to love him ever again.

"Gomen… Naruto-kun…"

OOO

K: If you read it and didn't like it… too bad. Suck it up and move on. I warned you there would be rape.

I won't lie to you though. I hated writing the rape part. But I had to write what I did because I couldn't find any other spot to stop it at that wouldn't make it seem weird…-er and still get the point across. Now I ask myself, "How could I do this to poor Hina-chan?" She is my favourite character after all. Well, you see, I felt I had to. I needed to write something sad, unavengeful, un-romantic, tragic and un-evil turning.

You know when you just get the urge to write something you don't usually write. Well I got that urge, so I satisfied it. Well this is the second fanfic I have ever completed, the first of which I am putting online. I'm proud of myself. **Pats clone on the back.** Bye-bye!!!!

Review or send flames whichever one you want.


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